Talking anyone into anything

📖 Book Review – August 2024

Title: Never Split The Difference

Author: Chris Voss with Tahl Raz
Finished on: 2024-08-29

Why I Read It

Just got curious :)

New Rules

In the real world, many things are unpredictable and complex, which also means the negotiation you have with someone can go from planned A→B to an unpredictable A→C→B. An approach from Fisher and Ury (authors of the book Getting to Yes) was to systematize problem solving so that both negotiating parties reach a mutually beneficial deal - getting to "Yes." The assumption is that the emotional brain can be overcome through a more rational, problem-solving mindset - a system that's easy to follow:

• Separate the emotion from the problem
• Don't get wrapped up in the other side's position (what they're asking for); instead, focus on their interest (why they are asking for it).
• Work cooperatively to generate win-win options
• Establish mutually agreed-upon standards for evaluating those possible solutions

Heart vs Mind

People aren't fully rational or completely selfish. Instead, we all suffer from cognitive biases - mental shortcuts and blind spots that shape how we think and decide. In the end, our choices come more from how we perceive things than from pure logic. The Framing Effect demonstrates that people respond differently to the same choice depending on how it is framed. A bias called loss aversion shows that people are more likely to act to avoid a loss than to achieve an equal gain.

In summary, there are two systems: System 1 is fast, instinctive, and emotional, while System 2 is slow, deliberative, and logical. This makes System 1 more influential, but it also guides and steers our rational thoughts. If you know how to affect another person's System 1 - by framing and delivering your questions and statements - you can guide their System 2 and influence its responses.

Everyone wants to be understood and accepted, so listening is the cheapest yet most effective concession we can make to get there. By listening, you show empathy and display a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing.

Life is Negotiation

One secret to how FBI negotiators get some of the world's toughest criminals to release their hostages is understanding that life is a negotiation - it ultimately boils down to the urge: I want, such as "I want you to free the hostages" or "I want you to give me a 10 percent raise." Finally, negotiation - communication with results - serves two distinct purposes:

• Information gathering
• Behavior influencing

and includes any interaction where each party wants something from the other side.

Be a Mirror

To be a good negotiator you have to read for possible surprises - by holding multiple hypotheses (instead of assuming) about the situation and the counterpart's wants. Your goal in negotiation is to extract and observe as much information as possible.

Until you know what you are dealing with, you don't know what you are dealing with.

Listening is hard. We are easily distracted, engage in selective listening (only hear what we want to hear), and our minds act on cognitive biases rather than truth. We can only process about seven pieces of information in our conscious mind at any given moment - more than that and we are overwhelmed. Instead of putting your arguments at the top of your priority list, your sole goal is to focus on your counterpart and what they are saying - actively listen to identify their needs and make them feel secure enough to talk more about their wants.

Going too fast is one of the mistakes negotiators are prone to making. When you are in a hurry, people feel they are not being heard and you risk undermining the trust you have built. Slowing the process down also calms it.

On a subconscious level, we can understand other people's thoughts by sensing what they are feeling - like neurological telepathy. When we radiate warmth and acceptance, conversations flow more easily. Understanding this reflex and putting it into practice is one of the key elements in negotiations. Therefore, the most powerful tool in any verbal communication is your voice - you can consciously use it to reach your counterpart's brain and flip an emotional switch, turning distrust into trust or nervousness into calm.

Generally, there are three kinds of voices:

• FM DJ Voice - a deep, soft, slow, and reassuring voice. Use selectively to make a point.
• The positive / playful voice - voice of an easygoing, good-natured person; should be your default voice.
• The direct or assertive voice - should be used rarely, as it creates problems and pushback.

Mirroring

Mirroring, also called isopraxism, is an unconscious behavior in which humans copy each other to create comfort. It can be done in various ways, such as speech patterns, body language, vocabulary, tempo, and tone of voice. Mirroring is like a Jedi mind trick - simple yet uncannily effective. By repeating back what people say, your counterpart will often elaborate and continue the process of connecting.

This Jedi mind trick gives you the ability to disagree without being disagreeable. If you take a pit-bull approach with another pit bull, you'll end up with a messy scene. To avoid that, apply these steps:

• Use the late-night FM DJ voice.
• Start with "I'm sorry..."
• Mirror.
• Silence. Wait at least four seconds so the mirroring can work its magic on your counterpart.
• Repeat.

Don't Feel Their Pain - Label It

Emotions are one of the main factors that can derail communication - once people get upset, rational thinking goes out. To be a good negotiator, you need to identify and influence those emotions.

Emotions are not the obstacles; they are the means.

Empathy, which plays a big role when it comes to emotions, is the ability to recognize a counterpart's perspective; agreeing with the other person's values and beliefs would be sympathy. Then there is so-called Tactical Empathy, which is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and hearing what is behind those feelings. It helps us bring attention to emotional obstacles and the potential pathway to an agreement - emotional intelligence on steroids.

There is a process called neural resonance that occurs when our brain aligns with a person as we observe them closely. This allows us to better understand what they are thinking and feeling.

Labeling

Labeling is the process of perceiving a person's feelings, putting them into words, and then calmly and respectfully repeating those emotions back to them. It validates someone's emotion by acknowledging it - a shortcut to intimacy, an emotional hack.

Steps to labeling emotions:

• Detect the person's emotional state by paying close attention to changes people show when they respond to external events (often your words).
• Once you spot an emotion you want to highlight, label it aloud; this can be phrased as a statement or a question.

- Regardless of how the sentence ends, labels often begin with words like "It seems like," "It sounds like," or "It looks like." Avoid starting with "I," as this can give the impression you are more interested in yourself than in the other person.

• Silence. After you offer a label, be quiet and listen.

Labeling is a tactic, not a strategy.

People's emotions basically have two levels:

• The presenting behavior - the part above the surface you can see and hear.
• The underlying feeling - what motivates the behavior.

As a good negotiator, you need to address those underlying emotions when you label.

Acknowledge the negative and defuse it.

Clear the Road Before Advertising the Destination

The amygdala is the part of the brain that generates fear in reaction to threats.

The faster you can interrupt the amygdala's reaction to real or imagined threats, the faster you can clear the road of obstacles and generate feelings of safety, well-being, and trust. Labeling fears reduces their power and shows your counterpart that you understand them. You can do this by performing an accusation audit - listing every terrible thing your counterpart could say about you.

Finally, in a real negotiation, you will need to apply skills such as tactical empathy and labeling to achieve a better outcome - in other words, learn how to use these skills.

Beware "Yes" - Master "No"

For a good negotiator, "No" is pure gold: it gives you an opportunity for you and the other party to clarify what you really want by eliminating what you don't want. While "Yes" and "Maybe" are often worthless, "No" always alters the conversation. It is the start of the negotiation, as it is often a decision to maintain the status quo. Therefore, train yourself to hear "No" as something other than rejection and respond accordingly.

There are generally three kinds of Yes:

• Counterfeit - a yes where your counterpart takes the easier escape route or just wants to keep the conversation going to obtain more information or some other edge.
• Confirmation - an innocent yes, a reflexive response to a black-or-white question; a simple affirmation with no promise of action.
• Commitment - the real deal; a genuine agreement that leads to action.

As these three types of Yes often sound the same, you have to learn to recognize which one is being used.

In every negotiation and every agreement, the result comes from someone else's decision. While we can't control others' decisions, we can influence them by inhabiting their world and seeing and hearing exactly what they want. People are mostly driven by two primal urges:

• the need to feel safe and secure
• the need to feel in control

If you can satisfy both of these needs, you have an advantage. By asking a question that prompts a no answer, your conversation partner feels more secure and in control. As we can see, "No" has many benefits:

• Allows the real issue to come forth
• Protects people from making - and lets them correct - ineffective decisions
• Slows things down so people can freely embrace their decisions and the agreements they enter into
• Helps people feel safe, secure, and emotionally comfortable, and in control of their decisions
• Moves everyone's efforts forward

Every 'No' gets you closer to 'Yes'.

If, despite all your efforts, the other party won't say "No", you may be dealing with people who are indecisive, confused, or have a hidden agenda. In such cases you may need to end the negotiation and walk away.

Two Words That Immediately Transform Any Negotiation

There is a model called the Behavioral Change Stairway Model (BCSM). It proposes five stages:

• Active Listening
• Empathy
• Rapport
• Influence
• Behavioral Change

This staircase takes a negotiator from listening to influencing behavior. If you successfully move someone up the Behavioral Change Stairway, there will be a breakthrough moment when you can begin exerting influence. The sweetest two words in any negotiation are: That's right.

This phrase doesn't come at the beginning of a negotiation; when it occurs, the counterpart embraces what you have said - a subtle enlightenment. How to trigger That's right:

• Effective pauses - silence is powerful
• Minimal encouragers - use simple phrases such as "Yes", "OK", "Uh-huh", or "I see"
• Mirroring - listen and repeat back what your counterpart said
• Labeling - give the feelings a name and identify how your counterpart felt
• Paraphrase - repeat back to your counterpart in your own words
• Summarize - paraphrasing + labeling = summary: re-articulate the meaning of what was said and acknowledge the emotions underlying it

When your adversaries say, "That's right", they feel they have assessed what you have said and pronounced it correct of their own free will - they embrace it. Hearing "That's right" is a winning strategy; hearing "You're right" is a disaster.

Overall, the phrase That's right is better than yes. You should strive for it, as reaching that moment in a negotiation often creates breakthroughs.

Bend Their Reality

Negotiation is never a linear formula like adding X to Y to get Z. Everyone has irrational blind spots, hidden needs, and undeveloped notions. There are ways to bend your counterpart's reality so it conforms to what you want to give them, not what they initially think they deserve. In negotiation, you should avoid compromising just to "split the difference," which can lead to poor outcomes. No deal is better than a bad deal.

We like to compromise because it's easy and safe, it probably saves face, and we at least get "half the pie." People in negotiations are driven by fear or the desire to avoid pain, so don't settle for a compromise - never split the difference.

The most crucial variable in any negotiation is time. It pressures every deal to a conclusion. Deadlines trick people into believing that doing a deal now is more important than getting a good deal because they make us say and do impulsive things against our best interests as the deadline approaches. To be a good negotiator, force yourself to resist this urge and take advantage of it in others.

When the negotiation is over for one side, it's over for the other too.

When you, as a negotiator, hide a deadline, it will often put you in the worst possible position because it increases the risk of an impasse. Stating the deadline is often the best way to get the best deals.

People are irrational and emotional. Emotion is a necessary element of decision making: while you may use logic to reason toward a decision, the actual decision is governed by emotion.

The Most Powerful F-Word

Not that F-word :) - the most powerful word in negotiation is "Fair." We, as human beings, are swayed by how much we feel respected. People comply with agreements if they feel they have been treated fairly and lash out if they have not. As a good negotiator, strive for a reputation of being fair.

Your reputation precedes you.

Discover the Emotional Drivers

If you get the other party to reveal their problems or pain, you can find what people are buying and then sell them a vision of their problem that makes your proposal the perfect solution. Knowing these emotional drivers helps you frame the benefits of any deal in language that will resonate.

While your decisions may be largely irrational, that doesn't mean there aren't patterns, principles, and rules behind how we act. Once you know those mental patterns, you will see ways to influence them. There are theories describing how people choose between options that involve risk, like in a negotiation. People are drawn to sure things over probabilities - the Certainty Effect. They also take greater risks to avoid losses than to achieve gains - Loss Aversion. Therefore, in a tough negotiation, you must persuade them that they have something concrete to lose if the deal falls through. How to:

• Anchor Their Emotions - Start with an accusation audit acknowledging all their fears. By anchoring emotions in preparation for a loss, you inflame the other side's loss aversion so they will jump at the chance to avoid it.
• Let the Other Guy Go First... Most of the Time - Going first is not always the best move when negotiating price.
• Establish a Range - While going first rarely helps, you can bend their reality by alluding to a range. Have a range for the price between x and y. When you offer a range, expect them to come in at the low end.
• Pivot to Non-monetary Terms - After anchoring them high, make your offer seem reasonable by offering things that are not important to you but could be important to them. Or if their offer is low, ask for things that matter more to you than they do to them.
• When You Talk Numbers, Use Odd Ones - Numbers that end in 0 feel like temporary placeholders; anything that sounds less rounded (e.g., €38,263) feels like a figure you reached after thoughtful calculation.
• Surprise with a Gift - To get your counterpart into a mood of generosity, stake an extreme anchor and then, after their first rejection, offer a wholly unrelated surprise gift. Gifts are effective because they introduce reciprocity - the need for the other party to answer your generosity in kind.

The author has a sub-topic on negotiating a better salary; interesting, but it's left out here as it's too specific for this summary.

Illusion of Control

Negotiation is coaxing, not overcoming; it is co-opting, not defeating. A successful negotiation involves getting your counterpart to do the work for you and suggest your solution to themselves. This gives them the illusion of control while, in reality, you are defining the conversation. This can be done with calibrated, open-ended questions. Such questions offer no target for attack like statements do; they educate your counterpart on the problem rather than causing conflict by telling them what the problem is.

When formulating calibrated questions, avoid verbs like "can, is, are, do, or does." These are closed-ended questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no. Instead, start with so-called reporter questions: "who, what, when, where, why, and how." This will inspire your counterpart to think and speak expansively. Most often use what or how, and sometimes why; other question types may only prompt a factual response. Also, tone of voice, being respectful, and being deferential are critical.

Softening words and phrases like perhaps, maybe, I think, or it seems take the aggression out that might otherwise anger your counterpart.

To be effective, ask calibrated questions early and often during the negotiation process. Such questions give your counterpart the feeling of being in control, but in reality, you are framing the conversation and steering them, often without them realizing how constrained their responses are.

If you can't control your own emotions, how can you expect to influence the emotions of another party?

Calibrated questions work best when paired with self-control and emotional regulation.

Guarantee Execution

Your job as a negotiator is not just to get to an agreement; it's to get to one that can be implemented and to make sure it happens. Be decision architects who dynamically design the verbal and nonverbal elements of the negotiation to gain consent and execution. An agreement is nice, but profits come from implementation, not from signing the agreement.

Yes is Nothing without How

Formulating calibrated how questions keeps the negotiation going because they put pressure on your counterpart to come up with answers. With enough such questions you can read and shape the negotiating environment to eventually get the answer you want to hear. Therefore, Yes is nothing without How - keep asking How? and persist.

There Are Always Other Players

While some deal makers fly solo, there are often other people who act as deal makers or deal killers. To secure your Yes and get your deal implemented, discover how to affect these individuals. Analyze the entire negotiation space because people affected by what's negotiated can assert their rights or power later on - beware of players "behind the table."

Spotting Liars

You may run into people who lie to your face or try to scare you into agreements. Learning to handle aggression and identify falsehoods is useful, but the larger skill is spotting and interpreting subtleties of communication - verbal, paraverbal (how it's said), and nonverbal. How to spot liars:

• 7-38-55 Percent Rule - 7 percent of a message is based on the words, 38 percent comes from tone of voice, and 55 percent from body language and facial expressions. Pay close attention to tone and body language to ensure they match the literal meaning of words - if they don't, the person may be lying or unconvinced.
• The Rule of Three - Get the other person to agree to the same thing three times in the same conversation to strengthen the dynamic and uncover inconsistencies.
• Pinocchio Effect - On average, liars use more words than truth-tellers and use more third-person pronouns (e.g., him, her, it, one, they) rather than I. They also tend to speak in more complex sentences.
• Use of Pronouns - Pronoun use can hint at someone's actual importance in the decision chain. The more they use I, me, or my, the less important they may be.
• Chris Discount - Humanize yourself by using your name to introduce yourself; say it in a fun, friendly way to get your own special price.

The art of closing a deal is staying focused to the very end.

Bargain Hard

Bargaining comes naturally in negotiation but it can also induce anxiety and unfocused aggression. There are tactics you can use in the bargaining process. It's not "rocket science" - to bargain well, shed assumptions about haggling and learn to recognize subtle psychological strategies.

There are three broad categories people fall into:

• Accommodators - value time spent building relationships; they aim to stay on great terms with their counterpart.
• Assertive - believe time is money; they have a more aggressive communication style and view silence as an opportunity.
• Analysts - methodical, diligent people who dislike surprises.

Identify your counterpart's style - their normal - to bargain effectively.

When a negotiation is going nowhere, shake things up to get your counterpart out of a rigid mindset. Methods to do this:

• Real anger, threats without anger - Anger shows passion and conviction and can sway the other side, but disingenuous anger can backfire. Use "strategic umbrage" - threats made without anger but with poise, self-confidence, and self-control. Be careful not to fall for it yourself.
• "Why" questions - "Why?" often makes people defensive. Another way to use "Why?" effectively is to employ the defensiveness the question triggers to move your counterpart toward your position. For example: "Why would you do that?" (emphasize "that").
• "I" messages - Using the first-person pronoun sets a boundary without escalating. For example: "I am sorry, that does not work for me." Use a calm tone to avoid creating an argument.
• Ready-to-walk mindset - "No deal is better than a bad deal." Once your bottom line is set, be willing to walk away - never appear needy for a deal.
• Ackerman bargaining - An offer-counteroffer method with steps:

1. Set your target price.

2. Set your first offer at 65% of your target.

3. Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (e.g., to 85%, 95%, and 100%).

4. Use empathy and different ways of saying "No" to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer.

5. Use precise, non-round numbers when calculating the final amount.

6. On your final number, add a non-monetary item to show you're at your limit.

Find the Black Swan

The Black Swan symbolizes the limits of predictions based on past experience. Black Swans are events or pieces of knowledge that sit outside regular expectations and therefore cannot be predicted. There are things we know - the "known knowns" (e.g., your counterpart's name and their offer). There are things we suspect exist but don't know - the "known unknowns." Finally, the most important are things we don't know that we don't know - the "unknown unknowns" or Black Swans.

Every offer you make is new. Your known knowns should guide you to what you do not know. Remain flexible and adaptable and keep a beginner's mind. Finding Black Swans requires opening established pathways and embracing more intuitive and nuanced listening.

Your counterpart always has pieces of information whose value they do not understand.

There are generally three types of leverage, and Black Swans act as leverage multipliers:

• Positive Leverage - Ability as a negotiator to provide things or withhold things that your counterpart wants.
• Negative Leverage - The leverage most civilians picture when they hear "leverage": a negotiator's ability to make the counterpart suffer.
• Normative Leverage - Using the other party's norms and standards to advance your position.

Know Their Religion

Understanding the other is a precondition for speaking persuasively. There is the visible "negotiation" and all the things hidden under the surface. To access this hidden space, understand the other side's worldview - their religion. Dig into your counterpart's religion by moving beyond the negotiation table and into their life. How to read their religion correctly:

• Review everything you hear. You will not hear everything the first time, so double-check.
• Use backup listeners whose job is to listen between the lines.

Listen, listen again, and listen some more.

How learning your counterpart's religion enables better outcomes:

• The Similarity Principle - We trust people more when we view them as similar or familiar.
• The Power of Hopes and Dreams - Once you know your counterpart's religion and can visualize what they truly want out of life, you can employ these aspirations to get them to follow you.
• Religion as a Reason - People respond favorably to requests made in a reasonable tone of voice and followed with a "because" reason.

Black Swans are hard to find, and if you are not literally at the table it becomes much harder. You'll likely miss information unless you sit face-to-face. Formal business meetings and structured encounters are often the least revealing because people are on guard. However, if you pay close attention during interruptions, odd exchanges, or anything that disrupts the flow of conversation, you may discover a gold mine.

Black Swans are anything you don't know that changes things.

That's it from the book. I probably missed some small subtopics here and there, but I hope you got a good overview of the book :)

Personal Reflection

While it's a good book, I haven't found much use for it yet in my personal life. However, it contains tips you can use not only in negotiations but also in regular conversations.

Would I Recommend It?

Yes - definitely, especially for those who communicate frequently with others in their (business) field.

Looking Ahead

Next up would be David Goggins' biography, Can't Hurt Me - a very motivational book. However, I won't be summarizing it, so the next book summary will be The Power of Habits by Charles Duhigg.